How To Give A Horrendous Investor Pitch

Investors are way overrated. Who needs them?As a proud dropout from the Founderitis Ten-Step Recovery Program, you realize that you are far better off without investors meddling in your business. However, other members of your Core Team are pressuring you to seek outside funding. No problem.

If you follow the tips outlined in this entry, you will be guaranteed to suffer absolutely no dilution, as there is zero chance that any reasonable investor will be compelled to purchase any of your equity. With a bit of effort, your pitch will cause the audience to walk away with no empathy for you, a vague, disinterested understanding of your adVenture’s value proposition and absolutely no desire to fork over their dough into your sweaty hands.

Bootstrapping may limit your adVenture’s ultimate chance of success, but at least you will never have to deal with pesky institutional investors.

Pop Quiz: What are the top five phobias?

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Nature or Nurture?

For lack of more productive things to do, many scientists, psychologists and sociologists enjoy arguing over which has a greater impact on an individual’s chances for success: their innate abilities (“Nature”) or their environment (“Nurture”).

With each passing decade, the pendulum swings back and forth among the intelligentsia as to which factor has the greatest impact, but for an entrepreneur on The Fringe, the answer is clearly: Yes.
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Small Ideas, Big Benefits

When viewed from The Fringe, the world is like a cash booth from a bad 1950’s TV game show. Just like in the game show booth, in the real world, you can count on various exogenous factors to generate some proverbial wind that will swirl the cash around and force you to work a bit for the money. However, in the end, all you really need to do is reach out and grab the cash. When you position yourself on The Fringe, you will quickly see that money making opportunities are all around you.

One way to grab some cash and learn valuable entrepreneurial skills along the way is to launch mini-ventures or Venturettes. Such ideas require little-to-no capital, usually last for a relatively short duration and are of nominal size.

If you just ask yourself, “then why bother?” – read on friend, read on.

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Brian Epstein is Not John Lennon, and Neither is Your VC

It was the biggest day in the young Beatles’ fledgling career: an audition with Decca Records. However, rather than showcase such high-energy Beatle originals as “I Saw Her Standing There”, or “The One After 909”, Brian Epstein, the Beatles’ Manager, focused the group’s efforts on sappy show tunes and languid pop standards.

The result was a listless audition and the ultimate rejection of the world’s most successful recording act by the otherwise astute Decca Records.

When you complete this reading, you will be able to answer the following question:

        • a. Sports writers are to athletes
        • b. Theatre critics are to actors
        • c. Band managers are to musicians
        d. All of the above

VC are to Entrepreneurs as ________ are to _________:

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Follow John’s Startup Oriented Twitter Stream. He promises to never Tweet about sunsets, kittens or awesome burritos.

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